Jokes — Cerebrospinalectomy

CEREBROSPINALECTOMY

Every consult, newest first.

r20260912-3 · Relatable

3:12 a.m.

b20260917-28 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260912-1 · Relatable

Me: "He needs high-flow oxygen at home.

b20260912-11 · The General Neurologist

Resident: "Rock, paper, scissors for who calls neuro.

b20260904-1 · The General Neurologist r20260912-4 · Relatable

Compliance email: your annual modules are due Friday.

b20260910-11 · The Epileptologist r20260921s-1 · The Epileptologist

Front desk: "The system triaged the referral.

b20260912-18 · The Epileptologist

Grocery clerk: "Long day?

b20260825-6 · The General Neurologist r20260921s-2 · The Localizer

Registrar: "Where is it?

b20260911-21 · The Localizer

Neurosurgery gets a whole Awareness Month and a banner that says 'Precision That Changes Lives.' Neurology gets a differential, a reflex hammer, and 'let's watch it and see.'

b20260806-25 · The Localizer r20260921s-3 · The Localizer

ER: "Neuro exam is completely normal.

b20260905-6 · The Localizer r20261002s-1 · The Epileptologist

Places I have slept in this hospital, ranked.

b20260927-12 · The Epileptologist r20261002s-2 · The Localizer

Me: "Your note says the neurological exam was grossly intact.

b20260920-1 · The Localizer r20261002s-3 · The General Neurologist

A party. Someone I have just met.

b20260920-3 · The General Neurologist r20261002s-4 · The General Neurologist

Front desk: "You have an add-on at eleven.

b20260920-9 · The General Neurologist r20261002s-5 · The Localizer

Admin: "We'd like you to be the physician champion.

b20260920-11 · The Localizer r20261009s-1 · The Epileptologist

Clinic, Monday after the time change.

b20260917-2 · The Epileptologist r20261009s-2 · The Localizer

Fellowship interview. I am the interviewer now.

b20260917-8 · The Localizer r20261009s-3 · The Stroke Neurologist

Night float, day four.

b20260916-27 · The Stroke Neurologist r20261009s-4 · The Localizer

September intern: "I got it.

b20260915-6 · The Localizer r20261009s-5 · The Stroke Neurologist

Recruiter, 6:04 a.m.: "Are you open to new opportunities?

b20260913-3 · The Stroke Neurologist r20261009s-6 · The Stroke Neurologist

Case manager: "No skilled nursing facility will accept him.

b20260912-12 · The Stroke Neurologist r20261009s-7 · The Localizer

Student: "Why is this kit marked single use?

b20260912-22 · The Localizer r20261009s-8 · The Stroke Neurologist

Me: "I need an interpreter.

b20260911-18 · The Stroke Neurologist r20261009s-9 · The Localizer

Cranial nerves, ranked by how impressive it looks when you find the problem.

b20260911-20 · The Localizer r20261002s-6 · The Localizer

Me: "This org chart has no brainstem.

b20260920-17 · The Localizer r20261002s-7 · The General Neurologist

Son: "He has started gambling.

b20260910-18 · The General Neurologist r20261002s-8 · The Sports Neurologist

Sideline, under-fourteens.

b20260910-32 · The Sports Neurologist r20261002s-9 · The Localizer

Consult request. Reason for consult, verbatim: "Neuro.

b20260909-10 · The Localizer r20261002s-10 · The Sports Neurologist

Broadcast: "He has played two hundred and fourteen straight games.

b20260909-32 · The Sports Neurologist r20261002s-11 · The General Neurologist

Insurer: "The machine reports three point nine hours a night.

b20260908-14 · The General Neurologist r20261002s-12 · The Stroke Neurologist

3:40 a.m.

b20260904-29 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260921s-4 · The Localizer

Intern: "Everyone on rounds knows more than me.

b20260903-1 · The Localizer r20260921s-5 · The Stroke Neurologist

Sign-out, translated:

b20260903-4 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260922s-1 · The Localizer

Self-checkout: "Unexpected item in the bagging area.

b20260831-1 · The Localizer r20260922s-2 · The Localizer

Friend: "Stop staring at my mother.

b20260830-4 · The Localizer r20260922s-3 · The Localizer

Driver: "What kind of doctor?

b20260830-7 · The Localizer r20260923s-1 · The General Neurologist

Answering service, 2:14 a.m.

b20260829-1 · The General Neurologist r20260924s-1 · The Stroke Neurologist

Bed control: "We have a bed.

b20260829-16 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260924s-2 · The Stroke Neurologist

ER: "Worst headache of her life.

b20260822-23 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260923s-2 · The Stroke Neurologist

Insurer: "This is a retrospective review of the thrombolytic.

b20260829-14 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260922s-4 · The Stroke Neurologist

College roommate, at a cookout: "Weird thing. A grey shade came down over my right eye.

b20260830-8 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260921s-6 · The Epileptologist

Insurer: "Before the targeted drug, he needs to fail two others.

b20260903-10 · The Epileptologist r20260825-1 · Absurd nerdy

ER: "Facial droop, twenty-nine, nothing else wrong with him.

b20260824-20 · The General Neurologist r20260912s-5 · The Stroke Neurologist

Patient-experience survey, three days after a stroke code.

b20260906-15 · The Stroke Neurologist

Someone yelled 'CODE!' in the grocery store. I'd cleared a path to aisle 7 before I realized it was a coupon.

b20260714b-4 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260831s-2 · The Stroke Neurologist

Intern in July: "I'll check with you before I do anything.

b20260823-1 · The General Neurologist r20260912s-3 · The Localizer

Student: "What are you looking at?

b20260911-7 · The Localizer r20260913s-1 · The General Neurologist

Student: "Why does the nerve to the voice box dive down into the chest and loop back up?

b20260826-20 · The General Neurologist

Hour nineteen.

b20260822-29 · The Localizer r20260912s-2 · The Localizer

I own four pens.

b20260911-4 · The Localizer r20260913s-6 · The Epileptologist

Chart says 'acute on chronic.' Same, honestly. Chronically tired since residency, acutely tired since this pager went off. Acute on chronic isn't a diagnosis. It's my personality.

b20260809r-2 · The General Neurologist r20260913s-7 · The Epileptologist

Me: "Close your eyes and picture an apple.

b20260822-24 · The Epileptologist r20260912s-6 · The General Neurologist

3:50 a.m.

b20260827-30 · The General Neurologist r20260912-6 · Relatable

Friend: "What did you actually do today?

b20260906-8 · The Localizer r20260912-7 · Relatable

Hour fifteen. I have been looking at the same sodium for a full minute.

b20260827-2 · The General Neurologist r20260912-8 · Relatable

Colleague: "I'll take your Labor Day if you take my Thanksgiving.

b20260824-1 · The General Neurologist r20260912-9 · Relatable

Insurance: "Your peer-to-peer window is two to four.

b20260823-11 · The General Neurologist r20260912-10 · System satire

Operator: "Please hold for the stroke neurologist.

b20260829-10 · The Stroke Neurologist

Resident: "He wiped his nose right after the seizure.

b20260828-18 · The Epileptologist r20260912-11 · Absurd nerdy

My hand fell asleep on the couch and I spent four honest minutes deciding whether it was ulnar or median.

b20260823-4 · The Localizer r20260912-12 · Relatable r20260912-13 · Relatable

Daughter: "His watch gave him a sleep score of 41.

b20260911-5 · The General Neurologist

Team: "His pupils are different sizes — should we scan him?

b20260822-19 · The Localizer r20260912-14 · Relatable

They just approved the first drug that fixes the actual cause of narcolepsy.

b20260822-18 · The Epileptologist r20260912-15 · System satire

EMR: "Select laterality.

b20260826-10 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260912-16 · System satire

Front desk: "The referral came in by fax.

b20260909-12 · The Stroke Neurologist

Ortho: "pt confused.

b20260822-11 · The Localizer r20260912-17 · System satire

'Altered from baseline.' Doctor — it's 3am. Nobody on this unit has a baseline. Not the patient, not the intern, not me, not the vending machine that's been beeping since Tuesday. We're all altered now.

b20260809r-1 · The General Neurologist r20260912-18 · System satire

Case manager: "He does not meet inpatient criteria.

b20260910-14 · The Stroke Neurologist

Records: "We cannot accept the outside MRI electronically.

b20260907-15 · The General Neurologist

Email: "Exciting news — our practice has joined a new partner network.

b20260906-12 · The Stroke Neurologist r20260912-19 · System satire

School nurse: "The seizure action plan needs a wet signature and a fax number.

b20260824-10 · The Epileptologist

Is there a doctor on board?

b20260822-9 · The Stroke Neurologist

IT: "The ambient AI writes your note now — you just sign it.

b20260822-1 · The Localizer r20260912-20 · System satire

Me: "The AI note says the patient denied recent travel.

b20260822-2 · The General Neurologist

Vet: "It's idiopathic vestibular disease. He'll be steady again in two weeks.

b20260828-2 · The Localizer

Family, watching a hospital show: "Is any of this real?

b20260830-5 · The Stroke Neurologist

Credentialing: "We need your medical school diploma.

b20260827-12 · The General Neurologist

Why does the second hand seem to freeze the moment you glance at a clock?

b20260827-24 · The Epileptologist

Survey: "This is completely anonymous.

b20260827-16 · The General Neurologist

The weakness starts in the toes and climbs — legs, then trunk, then hands. Guillain-Barré is the one disease polite enough to announce which floor it's on.

b20260806-1 · The General Neurologist

Your two brain halves cooperate only because of one 200-million-fiber cable. Sever it and each hemisphere runs its own agenda — same skull, two minds that stop telling each other anything.

b20260801-1 · The Localizer

Off a cruise and the floor still rocks for days? Mal de débarquement — your brain learned the boat so well it refuses to unlearn it. Loyalty, basically.

b20260817-21 · The Sports Neurologist

Why does a song get stuck in your head? An 'earworm' is your auditory cortex looping a catchy fragment — usually one it never got to finish. Your brain hates a cliffhanger.

b20260817-25 · The Epileptologist

Lose enough hearing and the brain, refusing the silence, starts scoring your empty apartment with big-band music only you can hear.

b20260815-23 · The Epileptologist

A neurologist wearing a stethoscope is wearing jewelry. I brought a reflex hammer, a tuning fork, and a safety pin. The stethoscope is here for the photo.

b20260813-24 · The Localizer

The outside hospital sent your 'STAT' transfer imaging on a CD. A physical CD. In this economy.

b20260715-6 · The Neuro-radiologist

A TIA is a stroke that changed its mind

b20260714b-6 · The Stroke Neurologist

In any other job, a concussion is a medical event. In football it's a depth-chart problem — 'next man up,' like a frontal lobe is a backup left tackle. You cannot sub in a spare brain from the bench. There's exactly one, and it doesn't come off IR in a week.

b20260803-7 · The Sports Neurologist

Nurse: “he's a fall risk, I put the yellow socks on.” Me: “the whole floor is a fall risk — it's a sea of yellow socks.” The intervention is a color. Gravity remains undefeated.

b20260810-12 · The General Neurologist

Chili isn't hot. It picks the lock on your heat-and-pain receptor, TRPV1, and your brain files a burn report for a fire that isn't there.

b20260806-10 · The Neurosurgeon

My coffee has a coffee. The second one exists purely to resuscitate the first one after the morning it just had.

b20260810-6 · The Sports Neurologist

Insurance approved the drug — just not that one, or that dose, or for this diagnosis, or in this decade. The formulary is a menu where everything good is quietly marked 'market price.'

b20260808-19 · The Localizer

“Walk heel-to-toe like a sobriety test.” It IS the sobriety test — same midline cerebellum the beer was insulting. That roadside cop was running a neuro exam and had no idea.

b20260808-12 · The General Neurologist

A sideline 'concussion check' that takes 90 seconds and ends in a thumbs-up is a vibe check, not a neuro exam. The brain didn't agree to your broadcast schedule.

b20260806-20 · The Sports Neurologist

The smallest muscle in your body lives inside your ear, and a split second before you speak it braces and turns your own voice down so you don't deafen yourself from the inside. Your body mutes you before you say a word. Some of us could use that upgrade elsewhere.

b20260803-18 · The Neuro-radiologist $Look at your own eyes in a mirror and flick them side to side. You will never catch them moving. Your brain switches vision off for a few milliseconds during each jump and stitches the gap so smoothly that you're briefly blind a fraction of every second — and never once notice.$ b20260803-17 · The Epileptologist

'He's a warrior, he played through it.' Cool. The brain does not have a warrior mode. It has a swelling mode.

b20260714b-19 · The Sports Neurologist

You asked one question. The MRI answered with three things nobody was looking for, each needing its own scan. This is how imaging quietly funds its own future.

b20260727-16 · The Neuro-radiologist

'Muscle memory' isn't in the muscle at all. Ten thousand reps live in your cerebellum and basal ganglia, running the play so your thinking brain gets to sit the bench.

b20260726-18 · The Sports Neurologist

A brain shunt is just indoor plumbing for spinal fluid — and like all plumbing, it clogs at 2 a.m. on a holiday weekend, never on a quiet Tuesday.

b20260726-4 · The Neurosurgeon

There's a clump of about 20,000 neurons just above your eyes running a clock you cannot turn off.

b20260723-4 · The Epileptologist

Broken Q-tip...

b20260714b-17 · The General Neurologist